Sleeping is nice. You forget about everything for a little while. But I am still not at that point. The regular sounds from behind my wall do not give me the chance to fall asleep. They are there and there is nothing I can do about them. They keep trying distracting me from letting my head sink into the pillow and disappearing in the world of dreams. And the worst part about all of this isn't this noise really, it's my heart. Because if it wasn't for my heart, I guess I wouldn't mind hearing my ex-boyfriend having sex with Marissa. Or would I?
How could I get here. Oh God, HOW could I get here? Why is this wall so ridiculously thin that I can hear every laugh and every moan? How can there be a way that they enjoy it while I burst into tears? If I hear them they hear me cry as well, how could they not? Why are all these silly, no, not silly, stupid, completely stupid questions popping out in my head? Of course they do not care, they sure may hear me, but they certainly don't notice it. And it makes sense why. They are probably so thrilled at this very moment that it feels as if the rest of the world faded away in less than an instant.
And on top of that, I may not even call him my ex. Because we weren't really together. Or that's what my roommate said. I know that there are many definitions of what it means to have a relationship but that one morning I did not need any of them. I waked up and I knew it was the time to leave and to forget him once and for all. I had to, although I strongly felt that there was no way I could. But I knew I had to, I really knew I had to and however impossible it felt I was sure I was going to do so but then, his mouth opened and the first thing that came out was how I slept. It surprised me. It seemed so absurd to be asked that when I was supposed to leave forever and it was going to be a painful goodbye. At least for me. Not for him, probably. Surely not for him, actually.
After a slow while I answered to him. I don't even remember what. I just know I couldn't decide between saying I did or didn't sleep well. He didn't really ignore my answer, it seemed like he paid attention to what I told him but still, he went on with a whole different conversation. He said he didn't sleep well. He didn't sleep all night, actually. He just kept on thinking about us and what he wants and that he wants us to try to have a real relationship. That he doesn't say it because I may never sleep with him again, he said. That that is what he truly wants for himself, no matter how slow it is going to work out, he said. And that he wants me to know that not only he is not going to have anything with any other girl, he hasn't had anything with anyone since he first kissed me. And just after he asked me if I wanted that too, we kissed again.
So he might not be my ex-boyfriend, if you say so, since after only a week he said he didn't want this. But whatever you call him, my heart just doesn't seem to change its mind and let me sleep.
Written at 00:36 a.m.
